Pain.
I don’t know why I just can’t let go of the past. I allow myself to be held in its iron grip, forever rehashing the deed. I suppose in some sad way I lost my innocent view of the world and it’s just too damned despicable a society out there to join again. So I sit alone. In this musty old house where I have no connection to anybody, but him. At least we were never here together. I wouldn’t have taken up residence otherwise. It’s totally ironic that he picked out the house for me. I dreamed its design and Dave had it built 100 years ago. Funny how even then he knew I’d live here. Sad that he wouldn’t, too. After I said goodbye to Dave I immediately tried to purge any reminders of him from existence. This is an impossibility as he made such an impression on my mind. I feel helpless in my constant dwelling upon his person and our short relationship. I would have no other life without these forever thoughts of our lost love. Love lost. Love forgotten. Love forever. Lost forever? God, it’s driving me crazy! He is driving me crazy! I know I only have myself to blame for my mental state. It is true I have chosen to withdraw from the conformity of daily common living and close myself up in my home. But I haven’t much choice and truly if I did not do this purposefully for myself and they heard my story, they would probably lock me up themselves. I prefer it my way. Though I am alone I would not be company to anyone, so it is better this way. Today I even opened the blinds to look out at the sunshine. It hurt my eyes and I shut them immediately.
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